"Me too."

It's been a while since I wrote in this little safe space of mine, and I've been looking for a way of getting back into it since it ended up in the, 'It's all a bit too hard' pile around the middle of last year.

It's February, so it's a little bit too late for New Year's Resolutions, too late for best moments of 2014 reflexion-style posts.

It's February, so it's definitely more of a looking forward time of a year than looking backward.


The thing that finally got my out of my shell and caused me to re-open the dialogue in this blog is a post called "Coming out again why more queer folks with mental illnesses need to speak out." It spoke of the truths of how many people in the queer community take their own lives, and some of the reasons for it.

Our voices could save someone’s life.

So where do we start? [...] It can be as simple as saying “me too” when someone in your community talks about their depression instead of just nodding; it can be as simple as saying “I know what that’s like” or “I have that too” or, most importantly, affirming that they are not alone.

I realised, when I started writing up this post, that I didn't yet have a tag for LGBTQIA, or even LGBT. I just had one for bisexuality. Which made me think that I've been doing my share of keeping my stories to myself, or sharing them only with a very limited audience, often within my own home.


So here is my voice. Here's my story:

My name is Nicole. I am a cis-gendered woman living in Melbourne, Australia with my two cats, my partner (man), and my fiancee (gender questioning). Towards the end of last year, my partner and I had a not!wedding--which suppose makes him my not!husband as well as my partner--because the laws of our country won't acknowledge legal ceremonies involving multiple relationships or gay ones. I should probably make a photo post of that beautiful day to post on here. Maybe now I actually will.

Outside of my home, I have a second house where my girlfriend lives. She is a beautiful young woman who is hesitant to walk down the street holding hands or kissing me because of the reactions we get from people in cars driving by.

As a bisexual woman in multiple relationships, I notice the differences in the way that other people view my relationships. I notice the way that I feel more "safe" walking down the street or in the shopping centre at night with one of my boys by my side. And, like my girlfriend, I notice the looks that we get from other people when we forget ourselves and hold hands, or stop to kiss because one of us has said something unbearably sweet.

I notice the pause, the hesitation in my voice when I go to my therapist or psychologist. So often, the topics that come up will intersect with the loves in my life. I find myself using gender neutral terms for all of them, or else casually dropping in the word "girlfriend" like it's the 1980s and "girlfriend" is a term used between women of a certain age group. I tell myself then that I'm not exactly lying if it's their misconception that leads to my obfuscation.

But who am I really hurting there? If I get a bad response from a non-LGBT friendly psychologist, I can just go out and find another one. Yes, the inconvenience and upset of needing to do that will be mentally taxing, but surely it's better than invisibility. Invisibility that I myself am perpetrating deliberately.


But I'm getting a bit ahead of myself.


I regularly see psychologists because, as well as being part of the queer community, I also suffer depression. Depression that, last month, culminated in my having to quit my full time job of 8 months due to said depression. I was lucky because I managed to leave that job on good terms and with references intact. I was unlucky because I couldn't quite manage to make myself hold on until I had something else to go to.

Depression is something that I have suffered with, according to this blog, about two and a half years. Although I'd had episodes of depression before that, the period between September and December 2012 was the darkest spell I'd had up till that point.

For a long, long time, I saw the treatment of antidepressants to be as bad as the condition. There were storms of weeping and anxiety as I feared that I would be irrevocably changed by taking that kind of medication that would then addict me so I could never come back off it again. It led me onto other types of medication such as St John's Wort which, sadly, was a stopper at the very best and seems an alternative from a long time ago now. It did not work for me in the long term.

As anti-antidepressants I am, I ended up on them between April 2014 and January 2015. The condition came to a head when I realised I could not imagine that any side effects from the antidepressants could possibly be worse than the depression itself. I had hit rock bottom, and I didn't care. Not for myself, anyway. It was my loved ones that, I'm glad to say, gave me the strength to ultimately make this decision.

In January, I had an appointment with my doctor that my fiancee attended with me. Together, we articulated how the antidepressants were keeping my lows at a reasonable level, however the highs were nearly uncontrollable so as to be almost manic. I speak fast and loudly anyway, but when my boys were having trouble telling where one word / sentence ended and the next began after half a dozen or so years together, we knew we had a problem.

I am currently surviving without medication. I"m not sure if this will continue to be the way, but I do know that I'm not up to going back to full time work. I have been lucky enough to happen to fall into a position with perfect part time hours for me that is not too far away from home. I have a nifty little car to get me there and back and audiobooks to keep me company. And, of course, the reward of a bath once I get home, with the cats making sure not to be too far away.

This story is far from over, but I am still here to tell it, and will have the strength to continue to tell it.

Today

There has been Doctor Who (end of Tennant, start of Smith, watched for the first time and ZOMGZOMGZOMG. I was bawling THE WHOLE EPISODE dear god).

Work. Work work, today only one day of work, but the fourth day in a fairly big week.

Had a smallish argument over the stupidest thing, fuelled by tiredness on all sides and I’m just sick of tiredness.

This morning, I came home to the news that my man, my love, my, um, big part of my world, may be heading towards partial remission. Scans over the last several weeks show increasing reduction, all the way down to no longer visible in some spots. Hormone scans show nothing active going on behind the scenes. We have gone from stage 4 to stage 2 seemingly overnight.

That’s great. One year ago, we had 70% reduction. We had streamers and balloons and me jumping around like a foolish moron, foolish only because I thought the worst was already over.

As I am writing this, my jaw is clenched so tight I don’t even know how I’m going to relax it.

6 months ago, we were told he had one year to live.

I just. I don’t want to get my hopes up. I am physically and emotionally overwhelmed by the whole day and want it to be over now and all I want to do is cry and be hugged and read something comforting and sleep and not have to get up before 8 o’clock tomorrow.

I'm just having a really hard time right now. 

February: Out of the Blue

The month so far:

I have had the slowest month of reading I think, ever, due to one whole week waiting for glasses to be made after massive eye strain occurring on the Australia Day weekend and (unfortunately) public holiday.

I’ve never had an eye test before, but there’s nothing like sitting down with a complete stranger who asks you to shut your left eye and you going, “Ah. So that’s the problem.”

Three hundred dollars and one astigmatism later, and I am back to reading at normal pace again. Everything is so much clearer, colours are brighter and, when my eyes get used to it, apparently I’ll be less tired from strain and my mood may be better. Also, funky new face accessory:

It’s two years since the optomitrist thinks my eye sight deteriorated. It’ll be interesting to see if my mood picks up as significantly as it’s dropped in that time.



As for what I've actually read, the only thing of note I've come across is The City and the City by China Mieville. I felt a little bit, on reading this, like when I read The Little Stranger by Sarah Waters. It's like books I usually read, but for some reason I just couldn't stop turning the pages.

At first, the only thing I knew about this book was that it could be seen as a metaphor for the way homeless people are 'unseen' on the streets, even though they inhabit the same city as everyone else. But it's so much more than that. There's detectives and crime and international hijinx due to the nature of two cities geographically occupying the same physical space.


And, like King Rat when I read it years ago, reading this has convinced me that there is something very interesting going on in China's head that makes me want to read more now I'm done.


As well, since my last post, I started on writing Out of the Blue a little earlier than February. Just before Christmas, a friend of mine was telling me about how I needed to get into the habit of writing 1000 words before breakfast, 1500 before first tea refill, 2000 before lunch, etc. And, of course, I have the words of Ms. Aaron's 2k to 10k keeping me motivated.

It's been three months since I finished writing for Nano, and I finally feel refreshed enough to start again.

Currently, it's at 19,000 words approx, with the first part posted here.

A couple of tracks have really grabbed me and kept me writing. Last year, I was working for Ticketek in Melbourne and had the opportunity of going to a couple of concerts I wouldn't have otherwise seen.

The Fray came out as a support act with Kelly Clarkson, instantly becoming one of my favourite bands. Their song, How to Save a Life, has often come to me and made me want to write something along to it.

I still remember going to the Pink concert with a friend of mine. Neither one of us were really fans, though we'd both heard that she was a pretty good performer. We said to each other that it was totally alright to leave early and grab a cup of coffee instead, and then Pink exploded out of the stage in Rod Laver Arena and floored us both. 

There was no more talk of leaving after that.

Months later, I was sitting in my car and happened to hear this song on my iPod. I don't actually remember whether it got played at the Melbourne concert. If it did, it was before this story idea came to me. This time, when I heard it, it gelled with my character Magenta so much so that I immediately added it to my playlist, where it's been on repeat every morning. 

Birthday!!!

Today, it is my birthday. Not just my birthday, but my 30th birthday. Apparently it is something special. Something monumental.

For me, it's just an age that most people have reached before me, and so I'm excited to finally catch up.

A lot of people have big parties for these 'monumental' birthdays. For my 18th, I had a surprise party thrown for me with about six of my friends. For my 21st, I escaped away on a weekend writer's retreat with my best friend and my boyfriend then came home for a family dinner with aforementioned best friend and boyfriend included as they were the most important people I wanted to see on that day.

For my 30th, I had all these great big plans of having a huge hall rented out, and enough people to fill it, family, friends, people I'd only met a couple of times... Finally, I thought to myself, I was ready to have a big, blow out party that would make up for the tiny occasions I'd had before.

Given the mental health issues I've dealt with over the last year, I decided I would give myself till June to make a decision. June seemed enough time to start making plans for such a big place, put a deposit down for a place I wanted to rent out for the night, give everyone notice and a RSVP time within which to reply.

June came and went by.

In July, a friend of mine had a birthday party dinner at a restaurant I really like. They have gluvine, which is a kind of German mulled wine that I am completely partial to. I decided then that I didn't want to have a big party after all. I was going to go back to that close people and 'chosen family' idea that worked so well for me on my 21st.

Of course, 'close people' in this case was narrowed down to 20 people.

Of those 20 people, about 5 of them said outright that they would not be able to make it for various reasons, regardless of the two months' notice. That was okay. I have a busy life and so do most of my friends. Not a big deal. I'd have fun with the people who could make it.

A week later, I made a connection between alcohol and again deteriorating mental health. Which meant drinking gluvine on my birthday was potentially out, unless I wanted to remember my 30th as the birthday where I cried on everyone and had to go home early.

I cancelled that event and decided that, if so many of my closest people couldn't come, I would just open up my house to many of my friends and whoever could make it would be there. Better still, if I had a dire need for time by myself suddenly, I could run and hide upstairs in my room and still be able to hear the sounds of my dear friends having fun and maybe not noticing my absence immediately. Fine plan there, Nikki. Not a flaw in sight.

Gifts from my nearest and dearest started trickling in about a month before my birthday. Before the 1st September, I had half a dozen gifts already. I'd begun a 'birthday box' to put them in (much to the amusement of many of my friends on Twitter) and started to wonder if I hadn't quite been public enough about when my birthday actually was.

(What you're looking at: a book, a litre sized tea mug, a salt lamp and a gorgeously detailed sincher. Early b'day pressies.)

The idea of me not having been public about my birth date is ridiculous, of course. Anyone who knows me knows from about six months before my birthday when my birthday is actually coming up. As if the existence of a 'birthday box' didn't announce that fact already.

My birthday party came around, September 14th, two days after my actual 30th.

It was amazing.

"If you're upset, make art."

There's been a lot of upset about the results of the Australian election just past. As an Australian, I feel like I ought to weigh in on the conversations that are going back and forth, but "weighing in" makes me feel like just another grumpy person who is less informed than a lot of the people talking up and down about politics right now.

Also, I don't think anyone follows this blog, my Twitter or Goodreads to read about politics.

So instead, I've been burying myself in books and music and waiting for the initial rush of opinion to die away. Only then, tonight, there was this:

I've watched this through twice already, and each watching just makes me want to watch again. In this video are so many of the points all of my friends have themselves pointed out in their displeasure about the current Australian government, but with one major difference:

"If you're upset, make art."

Strangely enough, this isn't the first time I've heard such an idea. Even more strangely, the first time I heard it, it was Neil Gaiman who was speaking it in his Keynote Address 2012. I was similarly inspired back then.

"Make good art. 

I'm serious. Husband runs off with a politician? Make good art. Leg crushed and then eaten by mutated boa constrictor? Make good art. IRS on your trail? Make good art. Cat exploded? Make good art. Somebody on the Internet thinks what you do is stupid or evil or it's all been done before? Make good art. Probably things will work out somehow, and eventually time will take the sting away, but that doesn't matter. Do what only you do best. Make good art...

And now go, and make interesting mistakes, make amazing mistakes, make glorious and fantastic mistakes. Break rules. Leave the world more interesting for your being here. Make good art."

It's little wonder they are perfect together. 

I've had an on and off again relationship with Amanda Palmer for years. I loved her during the Dresden Dolls. I didn't like Evelyn Evelyn so much. I've had friends as conflicted as I and yet, after this 'song', I think this signals the beginnings of another 'on' part of the relationship. 

Just thought I'd make this my very short platform on the subject. 

September 2013 Reading List

I've felt really bad this month, aware that I'm writing some of these blog posts and then promoting them on Twitter while I have hardly had time to write anything else on Twitter. But these are the trials of building a new business. I'm sure my friends still remember me.... vaguely.

Paper Towns.

3/5 - Disappointing, especially after being floored by The Fault in Our Stars.
After reading (and being a little bit traumatised by) The Fault in Our Stars, I decided almost immediately that I would be reading more from this author. I had a dream that I got to tell him exactly how much his writing had moved me. This is how much I think about this guy's writing. This title goes straight into the book trolley.

The Emperor-Mage.

4/5 - Different to how I remembered, but only a little. Still loads of fun.
I find it really odd re-reading titles in this blog. I think it's because I already know the book is good. That's why I'm re-reading it. But it also means I don't get to write a first impression here, and most of this blog is about initial impressions. Still, I read the book before this last month, and it made me want to grab for the next one. Nostalgia reads for the win.

Magic Bites.

3/5 - An interesting beginning. Will decide if I'm in after the next book in the series, I think.
People have been telling me I need to read this book for about a year and then I suddenly found it in an op shop for like $1. Paranormal fiction with shape shifters running around the place. Score! Another one for the book trolley.

The Iron Wyrm Affair.

DNF - There's one in every month.
I was going to read Clockwork Princess this month as my token Steampunk read, but then I finished all my titles early and couldn't resist pulling it off the shelf early. (AND IT WAS AMAZING!!) So I guess this read from new-to-me author Lilith Saintcrow will have to do ;) Also, would you look at this cover art? Isn't it just completely amazing!

One Day.

4/5 - Very different story telling style, not how I imagined it, but good. 
I've read the beginning of this book before and had to put it down because at the time I was working in a book shop, not supposed to be reading in a bookshop. But it had an intriguing enough start to stay in my mind for the last couple of years, so I'm happy for the opportunity to pick it up again. Also, now there's a movie, which also looks to be right down my alley!

Written in Red.

4/5 - Amazing, I loved this, I love this author!
I have long since been a fan of Anne Bishop. I initially wanted to wait a while until a few more of the books in this series were released in case one just wasn't enough. Then, when a friend passed me a copy of this book last night, what was a girl to do? Start reading it to a small group of people at the party to many laughs, is the answer, and now of course I'm hooked.

Summer Knight.

4/5 - A lot of fun, this is where the series has started picking up for me.
This is a bit new for me. The reason why you don't see this book in the pile above is because I'll be listening to this on audio book. This is the first time I've done that on this blog. I dunno, I guess there was just a part of me that said that I had to make some inroads on a series that I hadn't read for a while. James Masters will be reading it in my ear. Nothing wrong with that!

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Joanne Harris, 'Gentlemen and Players' and the writer's responsibility.

You may recognise this lady, Joanne Harris, who had such prudent words to say when I was having a difficult time at work.

It was a recent reblog from her blog that enticed me into reading Gentlemen & Players this month specifically. This book's been sitting on my shelves for a number of months, but this photo set and accompanying text sold me beyond doubt.

Gentlemen and Players, by Joanne Harris.

"If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the past fifteen years, it’s this: that murder is really no big deal. It’s just a boundary, meaningless and arbitrary as all others-a line drawn in the dirt."

How completely evocative is that? How much more does it make me want to read it? How talented this person for putting this collection of images together in such a way?

If there's one thing I've found that is commonly inherent in Joanne Harris' books, it's that there are very few characters of conventional morals. Joanne seems to have a particular talent for drawing out these characters and making their motivations sympathetic, understandable, whether they be protagonist, antagonist, or something else entirely.

I love any excuse to post something from her Tumblr. Around the same time as the problems concerning Charlaine Harris' final book in the Southern Vampire Mysteries were making themselves public, Joanne responded to a fan letter which took it upon itself to dictate to Joanne what she should and shouldn't write. Joanne was in the middle of a five part series of blog posts on herself and her relationship to others at the time.

In response to him, she wrote,

But readers are not everything. Basically, I write because writing is necessary to me.

This is a statement I've seen written by many other writers. That's why (some of us) are paid terribly. There are an abundance of us who just need to write, not for the money, not for the readers, just for the writing.

She also went on to write,

A writer can (and should) only try to please one person at a time. That person is the writer herself – because trying to please anyone else, or modifying what you write for the sake of a real or imagined readership leads, not only to madness, but to dishonest writing. And, whatever else we expect of them, we need writers to be true. (read more)

July 2013 reading list

So I'm having a lovely time around here, working out what it's like to work as a full time admin from home while still working out how everything's supposed to look. My writing has taken a little bit of a pause of late, but that's just allowing my beta readers to catch up on a little bit of the backlog.

I've been watching a lot of Boston Legal.

I also had my first bout of depression since leaving the 'Real Life Job', which was a bit scary. I'd somehow thought that maybe my depression was being caused by going to a job I didn't like and by ceasing to go to that job, I would be magically CURED! Sad truth is, although the Real Life Job may have exacerbated the extent to which I was feeling sad, sad and depression is just something I have to look after now and again. That in itself is entirely too depressing a thought to linger on.

So! When I haven't been in the middle of all of that, I've been reading.

Here is my monthly dose of new books:

Heartless.

3/5 - An okay read, not as good as others in the series.
I remember in March, the first book that I listed was Black Heart by Holly Black. I remember it because it was the last one of its series and, as excited as I was to start reading it, I was also dreading it because it would prove to be the end of a series I had very much enjoyed. Well, there is still one more book after this in Gail Carriger's Parasol Protectorate series, but only one.

The Night Circus.

4/5 - Imaginative and different.
I know almost nothing about this book except that the writing is said to be evocative and I haven't seen a single bad thing said or written by anyone whose advice I lean to in these matters. Onwards to finding a new author I'm sure I'll love!

The Elementals.

4/5 - Not the best book by her, but enjoyable just the same.
'I stood alone by the large window, looking out at the town below.'
This is the first new book by Francesca Lia Block that I have read for years and I am so excited by it! There's been a lot of talk about the new genre of New Adult writing going around. I think this might be the first book I'd place in that category since I started posting here. It seems, while I have not been paying attention, Francesca's visibility as a writer has gone up and up to the point where all her books are on hold or borrowed out at my local library. I'm so proud!

Something Rotten.

3/5 - This one dragged. I wanted to like it more than I did.
As I started reading the back of this book, I can't believe I've left it so long between reading the previous Jasper Fforde book and this one. It's a book whose narrative circles around Hamlet and Shakespeare! Be still my beating... I don't talk about Shakespeare enough on here. I barely even mentioned him when I read Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. I really should do more of it.

Gentlemen and Players.

5/5 - Amazing, simply amazing. The best book by her I've read yet!
Joanne Harris. Need I say more? I'm sure I'm in for a treat, actually. With both the lyrical writing expected from The Night Circus and from Joanne Harris, the only thing I feel I'd need to add to this would be another book from Sarah Waters, but I don't think I have any more of hers that I haven't recently read. :/

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